With Dale McCoy
I’m starting a new political party, and I’m going to call it “The Adult Party” (TAP). TAP won’t function as a true third party, it will be more of a fraternal organization where like-minded people can “hook-up” and discuss policy.
I mentioned my plan to a few friends, and they really liked the idea of hooking-up at an adult fraternity, so I had to explain that “starting” an adult party and “having” an adult party are two very different endeavors.
I’m starting an adult party to stop politicians from treating us the way they normally do. One might have an adult party because politicians treat us the way they normally do.
Here are a few thoughts on TAP…
A friend and I were enjoying a couple of drafts the other day when I was hit with an epiphany: We’ve got a big problem with our politicians! I realize that this seems like a fairly low-watt epiphany, but indulge me for a moment. Politicians tend to have a hard time with responsibility. They procrastinate, break promises, and tell lies. They lack morals, they dodge problems, and they live off of other people’s money. In other words, they are very much like teenagers. No wonder our country is in trouble, we’re being governed by adolescents! Partying, blowing money, and being irresponsible are hallmarks of the teen years. Most teens outgrow it, but most politicians don’t. That’s why I’m starting TAP.
Everyone is welcome to join TAP, regardless of their other political affiliations. All that the average Republican or Democrat has to do is to behave like an adult. A lot of our citizens and most of our elected leaders may lack membership qualifications, so let me cover a few of the basic physical and mental requirements.
TAP members will be required to have fully formed spines. I used to believe that most adults already have these, but I was wrong. Congress is full of spineless people. It’s pretty hard to be an upright person when you have no spine. I expect a full scale effort to repeal the healthcare bill, and it will require a lot of backbone to bring this monstrosity up for another vote. Yellow bellies, weak knees, and limp wrists will not be tolerated in TAP. These traits may lead to modifications or compromise on the existing healthcare bill.
TAP members will need a full complement of internal organs as well. A lack of guts is unacceptable. The far end of the digestive tract should make up no more than 1% of any TAP member. This provision alone will eliminate most of the employees of MSNBC, and all of Senator Al Franken. As far as other characteristics go, soft hearts are permissible, but soft heads are not. Physical size is not too important, but mental midgets will not be welcome. Color blindness will not automatically prevent membership, as long as one can distinguish the difference between black ink and red ink.
People of different colors are welcome, but people of all colors (Chameleons) are not.
I am quite aware that TAP requirements will exclude Republicans John McCain and Lindsey Graham, along with most of the “blue dog” Democrats, but that will be OK. Speaking of these guys reminds me of one other thing, all members will be required to “have a set.” I am talking about morals and values of course.
TAP members should have an education tempered with common sense. Ivy League graduates will be accepted, but they must leave the socialist utopian theories behind. Only egghead professors and administration officials buy into that crap. Prospective TAP candidates must display an understanding of math, and the ability to solve simple equations. A good grasp of negative numbers and basic algebra will be needed, as illustrated in the following example: X-3X= -2X. Sometimes the numbers will be slightly larger, like trillions maybe. TAP members will also need the ability to solve complex and confusing word problems, for instance:
“Uncle Sam owes China more than 1 trillion dollars, so Sam decides to skip town. If Sam’s train leaves the station traveling at 1.4 trillion dollars per year, it will soon arrive at:
A… Ben Bernanke’s house,
B…An economic train wreck,
C….China (permanently), or
D….All of the above.”
See what I mean? This is definitely an adult type math problem.
TAP participants should have some experience with economics. Prospective members can expect to encounter a wide variety of questions concerning the economy. Here are a few examples.
How much money does it take to spend your way to prosperity? (I’m trying to decide if I can afford to be rich).
Name the major differences between the current state of social security, and the last stages of a pyramid scheme. ( I couldn’t think of any either).
How many egghead professors does it take to bankrupt the greatest nation on earth? (Let’s see…Obama, Bernanke, Freeman, Summers, …hmmm…not many).
In the interest of a well rounded literary background, TAP members should strive to read the classics. A few suggestions include Democracy in America (Tocqueville), The Prince (Machiavelli), and “The Blue Collar Commentary” (McCoy).
As you can see, the problems we face are no laughing matter. Let’s get The Adult Party started before we really get scr…….. err…….. messed up. If I’ve missed any necessary qualifications, let me know.
TAP’s open, sign up below.