Blue Collar Commentary

AP Thu March 31, 2:10 pm ET

With Dale McCoy

I was snowboarding down the West ridge of Mount Everest in my swimming suit when something very odd happened. Without warning, I was knocked off of my feet by a roaring avalanche and swept down the mountainside at high velocity. It took just a few moments to regain a vertical posture on top of the tumultuous snow, and it took even less time to realize that my ride was going to end sooner, and somewhat less successfully, than I had anticipated. As I sailed over the edge of a crevasse, my hand struck the top of a small rectangular rock. The maelstrom abruptly ended, and Mildred warned me that if I hit the snooze button one more time, the odds of my survival would be very close to zero. I immediately deduced that my wife’s mood was vastly more dangerous than the avalanche, so I rolled out of bed to begin my day. As I fumbled around looking for a pair of Mildred’s pants to borrow, I couldn’t help but remember my younger days when I would have been climbing into bed at this hour, not out of it. While walking out of the bedroom, I glanced over my shoulder at the clock radio — 4:00 AM /March 31/2011 — I remember thinking “This is it! Showtime!”

I instinctively knew that the 31st would be a day to remember. It is likely to be recorded as the beginning of the end for those nefarious Nazi neophytes known as the Tea Party. Historians will salivate for details, so I will be gracious enough to share my knowledge of the events leading up to and subsequently transpiring on that fateful day.

Recently, a group of highly educated people, including myself, decided that something had to be done about the extreme extremism of the vast right wing conspiracy. While sipping Latte’s and pondering Baroque music, we devised a brilliant and cunning plan to infiltrate the pestiferous Tea Party. We would place an agent amongst the vile and putrid subversives, then expose their malevolence to the ignorant masses. Being the strong, sophisticated, intelligent, and humble person that I am, I volunteered for the mission.

Our intelligence network (MSNBC) informed us that one of the frighteningly thuggish tea party leaders (in a light blue dress cropped just below the knees) had ordered the minions to assemble in the Nation’s capital on Thursday, March 31st. Having endeared myself to a few miscreants associated with the infamous movement, I decided to utilize the opportunity to infiltrate, record, and expose one of their violent and appalling protests.

The following is an eyewitness account of the hideous events from that apocalyptic day.

4:01 AM — Irate wife chases me out of the bedroom.

4:15 AM –  Eat organic tofu for breakfast.

4:21 AM –  Hide a small container of quiche and a few bean sprouts in my fanny pack for the days sustenance.

4:29 AM — Stuff decoy travel bag with pepperoni, cheese, crackers and Red-Bull. For additional cover and camouflage, I include a pocket constitution and copy of the bill of rights.

4:31 AM — Attach Tea Party button to my lapel to complete my disguise.

4:41 AM — Call boss to report off sick. Left message that I expect to be paid. (Note to self: Need fake doctor’s excuse; Check with teacher’s union on how to proceed)

5:01 AM — Call unsuspecting suspects to verify pick-up time. All systems go!

5:19 AM — Drive to suspects house. Chuckle over the fact that I gained their trust after just 30 years of acting like a loathsome conservative.  What Fools.

5:24 AM — Short stop for a cup of Café’ Mocha Supreme. Burn tongue. (Note to self: Call lawyer tomorrow)

5:31 AM — Pick up two unsuspecting teabaggers known locally as “Mac” and “Gunner”. These tea party types seem fond of bully nicknames. Mac is a retired truck driver… career polluter. Gunner is retired Green Beret….career killer.

5:32 AM — Conversation on upcoming rally. Mac suggests we tell congress to bring their backbones to work. Gunner suggests that they bring other anatomical features. It’s disgusting.

5:33 AM –  Suspects begin talking about hunting, fishing, guns, beer, and women. Feel queasy.

6:12 AM — Suspects still talking about hunting, fishing, guns, beer, and women. Not sure I can take this much longer.

6:13 AM — Suspects start talking about politics. I start missing the hunting stories.

6:25 AM — Board bus headed for DC.

6:25.1 AM — Trip on my way into bus. Glare at driver. (Note to self. Call bus company and lawyer next week)

6:29 AM — Incognito terrorists all around. Dressed like normal people, wives and mothers, retirees, and business owners. I am not fooled.

6:47 AM — Feel nervous about being surrounded by such a well disguised and devious crowd.

7:01 AM — Notice that many are pretending to read and comprehend. Pull out my pocket constitution for cover.

7:02 AM — Try to hide smile as I read. Any fool can tell that this is not how our government operates.

7:03 AM — Switch to bill of rights. Try to hide larger smile.

7:04 AM — Switch to People magazine. Finally, an educational and interesting respite.

10:02 AM — Visit the bus restroom. Urinate. Where the hell is the light switch?

10:03 AM — Driver must be on to me. Swerves erratically and pumped the brake.

10:07 AM — Finish wiping shoes off. Exit restroom, glare into driver’s mirror. (Note to self: Don’t wait until next week to call lawyer)

10:14 AM — Bus stop at McDonald’s. Egad

11:21 AM — Arrive in DC early. Proceed to Senator Casey’s office.

11:31 AM — Ride elevator with freshman legislator.

11:31.1 AM — Freshman notices my tea party button and says we are making a difference.  Shakes my hand. I’m mortified.

11:39 AM — Staffer informs me that Senator Casey has not been seen for four years. Probably brain-sprinkling with the President.

12:30 PM — Rally begins. Much talk about constitution, fiscal restraint, responsibility, patriotism, and other arcane ideas. Laughable.

1:12PM — Participants are still acting civil. I suspect the bus driver has tipped them off as to my real identity.

1:13 PM — Michele Bachmann speaks. Crowd treats her like rock star. Revolting.

1:32 PM — Witness Bachmann hugging supporter at point blank range. Nauseating.

1:32.5 PM — Race over to call work and report hugging. I mistakenly say Michelle Obama

1:32.6 PM — Much confusion at workplace.

2:00 PM — Interview by Christian Science Monitor. Suspects nearby, maintain cover.

2:30 PM — Rally ends, capital lawn littered with footprints, bent grass, and CO2. A heartbreaking scene.

3:04 PM — Visit house chamber. Kucinich’s entire body is blocked from view by small microphone.

3:05 PM — Boehner’s orange face and green tie confuses my eyesight.

3:08 PM — Cantor and Ryan and King, Oh My.

3:15 PM — Leave chamber to search for Mac and Gunner. Locate at DC bar. I’m horrified.

3:16 PM — Suspects drinking Mojitos with people of Mexican and African American descent. What the hell? I’m mystified.

3:18 PM — Suspects pretend not to be racist homophobic radicals. Locals bought into it. They’re emulsified.

3:20 PM — Confusion, near nervous breakdown. Drink heavily. I’m mummified

3:49 PM — Party with suspects and locals. Hope to survive this repugnant right-wing charade.

4:29 PM — Board bus. Driver glares at me. What the hell is his problem?

4:14 PM — Suspects start talking about hunting, fishing, guns, beer, and women.  Dry heave

4:30 PM — Long ride home. Suspects laugh, joke, and talk about…….you know.  More dry heaves

7:00 PM — Think about Pepperoni, cheese, crackers, and Red-Bull.  Heaves not dry anymore

11:30 PM — Drop wretched wrong-doers off at their lairs.

12:13 AM — Bedtime

12:15 AM / April 1 / 2011 –  Strapping on my snowboard……Dreaming again.

Dale